in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
