hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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