i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
