Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
