don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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