Christians are straight up FREAKS
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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