You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
