I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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