I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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