i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
