The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize