Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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