New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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