I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
