first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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