it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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