I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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