Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
