Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
