Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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