the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
