This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
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