It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
