Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
