sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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