The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
