everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
