saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't deserve a penis
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
