my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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