NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
