Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
