Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
