dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
