But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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