I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
