bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize