Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
