Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize