I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
