I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
