Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
