and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
