I hate your face
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
