I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
