i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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