It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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