Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize