maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
