I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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