DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dear god my vagina.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
