i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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