Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
