Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
