he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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