I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
