I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
