He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
